Past Christmas, Snowstorm, Sick

Ok another year of the holidays has passed....this marks the 12th year since that accident my sister died in. Geez where do the years go? Anyways, one of the bright spots to keep me focused at the shore was the possiblitity of a major snowstorm. However, as i sit here and type this its currently snowing out, but nothing close to what they were predicting. They were saying 10-20 inches but its more like 3-6 inches. Down the shore though they are getting slammed with 18 inches and counting which is pretty cool.

The thing that has me the most freakedo is this whole STD/HIV scare. Wow am i really freaking out. I havent felt good for weeks. I keep ahve reoccuring sore throats, body aches, and now a weird rash on the back of my head and neck. This has me really scared but there is nothing I can do but get tested and face the music.

I still must stay focused on getting better and NEVER going to those places ever again. I want nothing more than a life of happiness with my wife and to reach all the goals i have in mind.

I just hope that I really don't have HIV b/c im sure my wife would leave me and it would mark the end of something that was so special for so many years.

This Time Of Year = BLAH

All I'm going to say is I seriously can't STAND this time of the year. To see everyone so happy for the holidays makes me want to puke knowing I've been stripped of the fun. I've been focusing hard on my job, and looking forward to a new year to get more accomplished. Hopefully, I will reach my goals not only at work but in my on-going battle with my addiction.

This week has been tough w/ a crazy work schedule, and next week is the worst week of the year for me and my family. Can't wait till its over....then I face it all again next year.

Trying to hold onto the good things I have in life...my wife. I do love her dearly, but struggle to show it.

All I know is I wish things were different........................

Mix of Emotions

The struggle continues as I battle this awful addiction, and in fact has lead me to to engage in behaviors I never would consider doing before. About a month ago, I acted out in such a manner that not only placed me at a very high risk for STD's and/ or HIV, but also put a nice dent in my financial situation.

This month is always very difficult for me since I lost a sister in a car accident on Christmas Eve when I was 17 yrs old. That day changed my life and certainly contributed to me falling deeper into my addiction. However, despite this negative news and recent ridiculous behavior I have not given up on beating this addiction. I still think each day that a life filled with happiness and no desire to act out is possible. I continue to seek help with weekly therapy sessions, SA phone meetings and keeping a strong faith.

At this stage, my addiction has placed me in a position that I am not only at risk for health issues but the devastation that I continue to put my wife through is wearing her down. Could this all lead to a divorce...possibly. I know one thing, If I don't gain control fast, it will. I do love my wife, but due to my lifestyle, addiction and depression it has placed her in a position to only due what is best for her. A person can only take so much pain. Gaining control at this point is a must, and I may have fallen hard in recent weeks, but I am standing back up and look forward to fighting this battle to the end.

Regardless of the results of STD/HIV testing...I will not give up. It will simply be another battle that I must face in my life. No one said life would be easy. The only disappointing thing is I brought most of it onto myself and have no one to blame. The choices we make today, certainly shape our world tomorrow!

For the rest that may ever read this, stay strong and know you are not a lone, and it doesn't matter how many times we fall, its how many times we get up afterwards and continue to move in the right direction. DONT EVER GIVE UP!

Confused

For a good period of time, I really was trying to get better and beat this addiction. The last month has been a different story. Some of my behaviors have hit new lows for me. Despite still having the desire to get better and live a life addiction free, my mind is confused if that is possible with my partner who I am married to. Despite her being the love of my life, having a strong and fulfilling sex life with your significant other is vital to a healthy and happy marriage. For me this never existed. Many close to my situation claim its due to the addiction, but I ask a very important question. Is it possible to stay married to someone who your sexual attraction to her was based on your addiction? Is it possible to form a healthy sex life with a partner who knows all my secrets and would engage with the addiction for me? Granted she is not into it, but she had no problem with it. If I am seeking a life that is far different from the one im currently in, wouldnt a divorce and starting over with a new partner the route to go?

I am just confused on how I am supposed to love my wife sexually and be intimate with her when I view her as PART of my addiction. My mind is telling me we have to try, but my gut says its not going to work and the pain i have from this is unreal. I never thought my life would come to this...never. However, if finding happiness and living a life that is addiction free means a fresh start....i may need to do so.

The sad part is, once your labeled an addict even when or if you do make a recovery, people will always view you in that light. Friendships and MARRIAGE is based on a strong concept of TRUST. When that trust is broken its nearly impossible to gain it back. Some may forgive but they will never forget. This in my opinion leaves the person who caused the violation of trust with a life ahead of them knowing that their partner doesnt trust them even when they are speaking the truth. Bottom line is when trust is broken, problems start. Its like a glass that falls off the counter and breaks apart. Sure you may be able to piece it back together and hold it in place w/ glue, but the glass will never be perfect. It will always be considered damaged goods and you are left with the decision. Do you throw out the glass and get a new one, or do you keep using the broken one hoping it will last forever. Chances are the broken glass will again someday fall apart. To me the same goes with a marriage.

Relapse

Things have been super bad the last few weeks and it seems as if things will never get better. My acting out has cost me a lot of money and put me at risk for other things. This is the progression of the addiction. I'm struggling with learning ways to fight back against the urges. My life is quickly falling out of control. Things I once had control over are not out of whack. Im not really sure where to go from here, and I certainly feel a lone on this journey. I do want to get better, yet it seems like each time I relapse, it gets worse and worse. The things I'm doing and the money im spending continue to pile up. Is there hope for people like me? Is it worth fighting this battle each day or should I just give up? The mind is a powerful thing and tends to play a lot of tricks on us. Its like I dont know which way to go, turn, or who to talk to. Feeling lost can't even describe how I feel anymore....help :(

Suffering

As much as I wish this would all just go away, its not. WOW have things been tough. I feel like giving up. I need to go 90 days with NOTHING. Longest I went before was 42 days so this is going to be PURE HELL. Sure I've made a lot of progress, but the mountain still seems so freaking high. Each day I wake up feeling like its groundhog day. There are things in my life I should be very happy about right now, yet I find myself not caring about much of anything. The things I've worked so hard to get, now mean nothing. I'm hoping with the help of God, treatment, and time things will get better. I feel so damn beat up from a life of misery that finding the strength to fight this battle and my past seems impossible. Is there anyway I can just rewind my life back to when I was around 8 yrs old and try life over again?

Decisions

Life is full of decisions. Sometimes they are not easy while other times they just come naturally. When people are faced with adversity and decisions to make, it can take a toll on you. In my life I've been faced with tough situations and sometimes I've rushed to quick decisions. Whatever it is we are dealing with in our life its best to sit and think hard a long before we make a decision. I regret a lot of decisions I've made in my life, and looking back I wish I would have consulted with friends to gain their perspective prior to making such decisions.

If the decision is to recover from an addiction  or make a big change in your life in some capacity, look to others who love you. Looking to others for support during these times will provide you with a sense that you are not alone and that others do care. Sharing with others your thoughts and feelings will help you make a wise decision, especially when it comes to big things in life.

Ultimately its YOU that makes the decision but don't be afraid to go to friends.

Whatever decisions we are struggling with in life, just remember if things don't work out they way you hoped, don't beat yourself up over your decision. Instead, take it as a learning experience and it will help you make a wiser choice when faced with similar situations and decisions in the future.

~Suffer No More