The struggle continues as I battle this awful addiction, and in fact has lead me to to engage in behaviors I never would consider doing before. About a month ago, I acted out in such a manner that not only placed me at a very high risk for STD's and/ or HIV, but also put a nice dent in my financial situation.
This month is always very difficult for me since I lost a sister in a car accident on Christmas Eve when I was 17 yrs old. That day changed my life and certainly contributed to me falling deeper into my addiction. However, despite this negative news and recent ridiculous behavior I have not given up on beating this addiction. I still think each day that a life filled with happiness and no desire to act out is possible. I continue to seek help with weekly therapy sessions, SA phone meetings and keeping a strong faith.
At this stage, my addiction has placed me in a position that I am not only at risk for health issues but the devastation that I continue to put my wife through is wearing her down. Could this all lead to a divorce...possibly. I know one thing, If I don't gain control fast, it will. I do love my wife, but due to my lifestyle, addiction and depression it has placed her in a position to only due what is best for her. A person can only take so much pain. Gaining control at this point is a must, and I may have fallen hard in recent weeks, but I am standing back up and look forward to fighting this battle to the end.
Regardless of the results of STD/HIV testing...I will not give up. It will simply be another battle that I must face in my life. No one said life would be easy. The only disappointing thing is I brought most of it onto myself and have no one to blame. The choices we make today, certainly shape our world tomorrow!
For the rest that may ever read this, stay strong and know you are not a lone, and it doesn't matter how many times we fall, its how many times we get up afterwards and continue to move in the right direction. DONT EVER GIVE UP!
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