Confused

For a good period of time, I really was trying to get better and beat this addiction. The last month has been a different story. Some of my behaviors have hit new lows for me. Despite still having the desire to get better and live a life addiction free, my mind is confused if that is possible with my partner who I am married to. Despite her being the love of my life, having a strong and fulfilling sex life with your significant other is vital to a healthy and happy marriage. For me this never existed. Many close to my situation claim its due to the addiction, but I ask a very important question. Is it possible to stay married to someone who your sexual attraction to her was based on your addiction? Is it possible to form a healthy sex life with a partner who knows all my secrets and would engage with the addiction for me? Granted she is not into it, but she had no problem with it. If I am seeking a life that is far different from the one im currently in, wouldnt a divorce and starting over with a new partner the route to go?

I am just confused on how I am supposed to love my wife sexually and be intimate with her when I view her as PART of my addiction. My mind is telling me we have to try, but my gut says its not going to work and the pain i have from this is unreal. I never thought my life would come to this...never. However, if finding happiness and living a life that is addiction free means a fresh start....i may need to do so.

The sad part is, once your labeled an addict even when or if you do make a recovery, people will always view you in that light. Friendships and MARRIAGE is based on a strong concept of TRUST. When that trust is broken its nearly impossible to gain it back. Some may forgive but they will never forget. This in my opinion leaves the person who caused the violation of trust with a life ahead of them knowing that their partner doesnt trust them even when they are speaking the truth. Bottom line is when trust is broken, problems start. Its like a glass that falls off the counter and breaks apart. Sure you may be able to piece it back together and hold it in place w/ glue, but the glass will never be perfect. It will always be considered damaged goods and you are left with the decision. Do you throw out the glass and get a new one, or do you keep using the broken one hoping it will last forever. Chances are the broken glass will again someday fall apart. To me the same goes with a marriage.