Thursday, October 28, 2010
Suffering
As much as I wish this would all just go away, its not. WOW have things been tough. I feel like giving up. I need to go 90 days with NOTHING. Longest I went before was 42 days so this is going to be PURE HELL. Sure I've made a lot of progress, but the mountain still seems so freaking high. Each day I wake up feeling like its groundhog day. There are things in my life I should be very happy about right now, yet I find myself not caring about much of anything. The things I've worked so hard to get, now mean nothing. I'm hoping with the help of God, treatment, and time things will get better. I feel so damn beat up from a life of misery that finding the strength to fight this battle and my past seems impossible. Is there anyway I can just rewind my life back to when I was around 8 yrs old and try life over again?
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Decisions
Life is full of decisions. Sometimes they are not easy while other times they just come naturally. When people are faced with adversity and decisions to make, it can take a toll on you. In my life I've been faced with tough situations and sometimes I've rushed to quick decisions. Whatever it is we are dealing with in our life its best to sit and think hard a long before we make a decision. I regret a lot of decisions I've made in my life, and looking back I wish I would have consulted with friends to gain their perspective prior to making such decisions.
If the decision is to recover from an addiction or make a big change in your life in some capacity, look to others who love you. Looking to others for support during these times will provide you with a sense that you are not alone and that others do care. Sharing with others your thoughts and feelings will help you make a wise decision, especially when it comes to big things in life.
Ultimately its YOU that makes the decision but don't be afraid to go to friends.
Whatever decisions we are struggling with in life, just remember if things don't work out they way you hoped, don't beat yourself up over your decision. Instead, take it as a learning experience and it will help you make a wiser choice when faced with similar situations and decisions in the future.
~Suffer No More
If the decision is to recover from an addiction or make a big change in your life in some capacity, look to others who love you. Looking to others for support during these times will provide you with a sense that you are not alone and that others do care. Sharing with others your thoughts and feelings will help you make a wise decision, especially when it comes to big things in life.
Ultimately its YOU that makes the decision but don't be afraid to go to friends.
Whatever decisions we are struggling with in life, just remember if things don't work out they way you hoped, don't beat yourself up over your decision. Instead, take it as a learning experience and it will help you make a wiser choice when faced with similar situations and decisions in the future.
~Suffer No More
Monday, October 18, 2010
Different Exp/Upcoming Week
The weekend was interesting to say the least. Friday night we filmed a video for the builder...essentially a version of MTV Cribs, but I didn't have the courage to throw them out at the end which would of been fun. Chilling with the gang on Friday was a blast as usual...another late night. Saturday...what a joke. The wedding was terrible. Honestly, you would have to try to make it that bad. The good thing was we got to know Mike and his wife Sabrian really well. I'm glad we really hit it off with them.
Sunday..ugh what a busy day. Did some things around the house, moved some furniture, did some shopping with the wife, and then headed to NJ to a bday party. Seriously, where do the weekends go? Why can't I be lucky and have a 4 day work week.
Anyways, the wifey rolled out of the house around 3:30AM to catch her flight. I never even heard her leave which was interesting. Not looking forward to a week by myself as it will pose a lot of challenges being on my own. Not even in the sense of the addiction, but cooking food etc. I seem to take for granted how much she really does for me. As a matter of fact, when she is gone I won't even eat which is pretty pathetic LOL.
Today has been going ok so far. Trying to get some work done which has been a HUGE issue as of late. I was supposed to travel for work later this week, but I was able to push it off until next Monday. I'm trying very hard to keep focused on the task at hand of getting my work done. To accomplish this, I tried something new today. Trying to mix it up a little bit is never a bad thing. My therapist feels attending group meetings is a key to recovery. Though I would agree with her, I also find it equally as important to find a group that works for you.
Thus far this has been an issue for me. Time conflicts, not feeling comfortable or a pure lack of not caring on my part has kept me from really getting involved. However, at lunch time today I called into an SA phone meeting. WOW was that cool. People from all over the country were on the call and it was run in the same manner as a face to face step meeting. You can mute your phone so they can't hear you and you can just listen in. If you choose to talk the facilitator will ask all the different callers if you are interested in sharing. This is the same format as a group meeting which is really cool. I chose not to talk, but rather just listen. I think I will start to use these phone meetings as new tool as it seems to fit my schedule better.
As far as my addiction, I do have some new thoughts I would like to share. When I look at people that surround me in my life and/ or those who I have come across in the past it always seems like people are trying to fill a void in their lives. People fill this void with many things, but rarely is it of a positive nature. Some people fill it with drugs, alcohol, sex, spending money on wants not needs etc. I really believe we are all born to have a void in our lives. What separates us from having a life where we are at peace with ourselves is how you choose to fill that void. If you fill it with things mentioned above, more often than not, you will be left with a life that doesn't seems satisfying. These evil temptations that many of us engage in to fill the void is hurting us and God in so many ways. Its my belief that this void we are all born with is supposed to be filled with God. The more we realize he needs to be filling the void, the more at peace we may find ourselves in our daily lives.
As my relationship with Christ continues to grow each day, and I surrender myself to him in all ways I am starting to feel like that void could be filled with his love and guidance. Concentrating on building that relationship with God takes effort, but he is always there for us every second of the day. I believe I need to put more faith into God's power as he truly is the one who has the power to help heal my soul. Surrendering ourselves and admitting we are powerless over our addiction is key. Believing in a higher power to carry some of the burden should make the path to recovery that much easier. Through hard work, determination and God's love, beating this addiction will be possible.
~Suffer No More
Sunday..ugh what a busy day. Did some things around the house, moved some furniture, did some shopping with the wife, and then headed to NJ to a bday party. Seriously, where do the weekends go? Why can't I be lucky and have a 4 day work week.
Anyways, the wifey rolled out of the house around 3:30AM to catch her flight. I never even heard her leave which was interesting. Not looking forward to a week by myself as it will pose a lot of challenges being on my own. Not even in the sense of the addiction, but cooking food etc. I seem to take for granted how much she really does for me. As a matter of fact, when she is gone I won't even eat which is pretty pathetic LOL.
Today has been going ok so far. Trying to get some work done which has been a HUGE issue as of late. I was supposed to travel for work later this week, but I was able to push it off until next Monday. I'm trying very hard to keep focused on the task at hand of getting my work done. To accomplish this, I tried something new today. Trying to mix it up a little bit is never a bad thing. My therapist feels attending group meetings is a key to recovery. Though I would agree with her, I also find it equally as important to find a group that works for you.
Thus far this has been an issue for me. Time conflicts, not feeling comfortable or a pure lack of not caring on my part has kept me from really getting involved. However, at lunch time today I called into an SA phone meeting. WOW was that cool. People from all over the country were on the call and it was run in the same manner as a face to face step meeting. You can mute your phone so they can't hear you and you can just listen in. If you choose to talk the facilitator will ask all the different callers if you are interested in sharing. This is the same format as a group meeting which is really cool. I chose not to talk, but rather just listen. I think I will start to use these phone meetings as new tool as it seems to fit my schedule better.
As far as my addiction, I do have some new thoughts I would like to share. When I look at people that surround me in my life and/ or those who I have come across in the past it always seems like people are trying to fill a void in their lives. People fill this void with many things, but rarely is it of a positive nature. Some people fill it with drugs, alcohol, sex, spending money on wants not needs etc. I really believe we are all born to have a void in our lives. What separates us from having a life where we are at peace with ourselves is how you choose to fill that void. If you fill it with things mentioned above, more often than not, you will be left with a life that doesn't seems satisfying. These evil temptations that many of us engage in to fill the void is hurting us and God in so many ways. Its my belief that this void we are all born with is supposed to be filled with God. The more we realize he needs to be filling the void, the more at peace we may find ourselves in our daily lives.
As my relationship with Christ continues to grow each day, and I surrender myself to him in all ways I am starting to feel like that void could be filled with his love and guidance. Concentrating on building that relationship with God takes effort, but he is always there for us every second of the day. I believe I need to put more faith into God's power as he truly is the one who has the power to help heal my soul. Surrendering ourselves and admitting we are powerless over our addiction is key. Believing in a higher power to carry some of the burden should make the path to recovery that much easier. Through hard work, determination and God's love, beating this addiction will be possible.
~Suffer No More
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Exploring Options - 10/16/10
I started this road to recovery about 10 months ago, but I have found it to be a very slow and challenging process. We all look for a quick fix for things in life, however that places an unrealistic expectation on ourselves. This journey of recovery will be one which is slow and pain filled as I explore and develop a new identity.
Despite the fact that I've made progress in many areas regarding my addiction, I still find it difficult to find new coping strategies. These methods we learn on our way will provide us with tools to use when fighting back urges to act out.
Up to this point, I've found very little to help fight these desires until I had a breakthrough last week. I was never much for writing, and certainly never found my writing skills to be of any significance. However, once I began to write out my thoughts and feelings, compiled with the ability to read over those thoughts has provided me with a refreshing experience. Sharing these thoughts and feelings with others has provided me with a network of people who are willing to provide me with feedback. Its this feedback that can help me and other addicts think outside the box, and bring a heightened sense of awareness surrounding our issues.
Considering we live in a world filled with technological advances, I figured I should utilize these avenues to my advantage in helping myself and others. Blogging is something I've never considered. With that being said, I'm looking for a fresh start with trying something new outside of my addiction. I sincerely hope this turns out to be a very rewarding coping skill that continues me on the path to a healthier lifestyle.
Despite the fact that I've made progress in many areas regarding my addiction, I still find it difficult to find new coping strategies. These methods we learn on our way will provide us with tools to use when fighting back urges to act out.
Up to this point, I've found very little to help fight these desires until I had a breakthrough last week. I was never much for writing, and certainly never found my writing skills to be of any significance. However, once I began to write out my thoughts and feelings, compiled with the ability to read over those thoughts has provided me with a refreshing experience. Sharing these thoughts and feelings with others has provided me with a network of people who are willing to provide me with feedback. Its this feedback that can help me and other addicts think outside the box, and bring a heightened sense of awareness surrounding our issues.
Considering we live in a world filled with technological advances, I figured I should utilize these avenues to my advantage in helping myself and others. Blogging is something I've never considered. With that being said, I'm looking for a fresh start with trying something new outside of my addiction. I sincerely hope this turns out to be a very rewarding coping skill that continues me on the path to a healthier lifestyle.
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