Past Christmas, Snowstorm, Sick

Ok another year of the holidays has passed....this marks the 12th year since that accident my sister died in. Geez where do the years go? Anyways, one of the bright spots to keep me focused at the shore was the possiblitity of a major snowstorm. However, as i sit here and type this its currently snowing out, but nothing close to what they were predicting. They were saying 10-20 inches but its more like 3-6 inches. Down the shore though they are getting slammed with 18 inches and counting which is pretty cool.

The thing that has me the most freakedo is this whole STD/HIV scare. Wow am i really freaking out. I havent felt good for weeks. I keep ahve reoccuring sore throats, body aches, and now a weird rash on the back of my head and neck. This has me really scared but there is nothing I can do but get tested and face the music.

I still must stay focused on getting better and NEVER going to those places ever again. I want nothing more than a life of happiness with my wife and to reach all the goals i have in mind.

I just hope that I really don't have HIV b/c im sure my wife would leave me and it would mark the end of something that was so special for so many years.

This Time Of Year = BLAH

All I'm going to say is I seriously can't STAND this time of the year. To see everyone so happy for the holidays makes me want to puke knowing I've been stripped of the fun. I've been focusing hard on my job, and looking forward to a new year to get more accomplished. Hopefully, I will reach my goals not only at work but in my on-going battle with my addiction.

This week has been tough w/ a crazy work schedule, and next week is the worst week of the year for me and my family. Can't wait till its over....then I face it all again next year.

Trying to hold onto the good things I have in life...my wife. I do love her dearly, but struggle to show it.

All I know is I wish things were different........................

Mix of Emotions

The struggle continues as I battle this awful addiction, and in fact has lead me to to engage in behaviors I never would consider doing before. About a month ago, I acted out in such a manner that not only placed me at a very high risk for STD's and/ or HIV, but also put a nice dent in my financial situation.

This month is always very difficult for me since I lost a sister in a car accident on Christmas Eve when I was 17 yrs old. That day changed my life and certainly contributed to me falling deeper into my addiction. However, despite this negative news and recent ridiculous behavior I have not given up on beating this addiction. I still think each day that a life filled with happiness and no desire to act out is possible. I continue to seek help with weekly therapy sessions, SA phone meetings and keeping a strong faith.

At this stage, my addiction has placed me in a position that I am not only at risk for health issues but the devastation that I continue to put my wife through is wearing her down. Could this all lead to a divorce...possibly. I know one thing, If I don't gain control fast, it will. I do love my wife, but due to my lifestyle, addiction and depression it has placed her in a position to only due what is best for her. A person can only take so much pain. Gaining control at this point is a must, and I may have fallen hard in recent weeks, but I am standing back up and look forward to fighting this battle to the end.

Regardless of the results of STD/HIV testing...I will not give up. It will simply be another battle that I must face in my life. No one said life would be easy. The only disappointing thing is I brought most of it onto myself and have no one to blame. The choices we make today, certainly shape our world tomorrow!

For the rest that may ever read this, stay strong and know you are not a lone, and it doesn't matter how many times we fall, its how many times we get up afterwards and continue to move in the right direction. DONT EVER GIVE UP!